Late night blog.

It may be only 12.15am but it will probably take me a good few hours to get this making sense. Pretty sure there will be swearing too. Just a warning. I'm just going to write everything that's going around in my head. Some people will ask questions, some will think i'm a bitch and some will think i'm just completely weird. To be honest I am a weird bitch but with a load of nice qualities thrown in there too. Trust me, i'm lovely really.

Things in my head number 1: Guys.
I'm only female ok? It's just natural to think about guys. I know what i want, well who i want. I think i do anyway, i'm not 100% sure on this, i'm just going with feelings at the moment. Just seeing how shit goes. If it goes good then well i'll be happy. And surprised. Nothing ever works out for me when it comes to guys. Don't know why, if i knew why then i would change whatever i'm doing or not doing.
Anyway
It's been 4 days. What the fuck?!? Why? Ignorance is the worst. Well it's not really ignorance, i dunno, it's complicated? If only i had credit i would text him and if he texts back then he's waiting for me to text him. Not necessarily waiting but i'm hoping you understand what i'm trying to say. If he is waiting for me to text him then well he has a long wait. I have no credit as usual.
Not that wanting one bloke is bad enough, i have more. Call me what you like, I don't know how this happened myself. I mean seriously....me? really? I always doubt myself. Lack of self confidence i suppose? I haven't done anything with these two. So it's not like i'm sleeping with them both, treating them like shit or anything. I'm just being me. Just happens to be a confused me.
Anyway, the other bloke is a lot worse. It must have been a good few weeks by now. Nothing. Not a thing. Not even a "Hi" on msn. Might just give up with this one. There's hard work and then there's mission impossible. He's more mission impossible. But I know the first time he's nice to me again i'll be all smitten. That's the problem with me. Anyone can be as mean as they like and especially if it's a guy i like then well the next time they are nice to me i just forget whatever happened. I just enjoy the happy times. No one wants to dwell on the bad times. Blog about them maybe...just not dwell.
Relationships in general terrify me. I don't know why. Scared of getting hurt. Scared of having someone get too close. Scared of being vulnerable. Scared of being loved and scared of loving. Scared of love in general. I'm not usually a risk taker. I like things that are guranteed and I like knowing, like being in control of my situations. I like things to have a plan.
I need to change for the better.

Things in my head number 2: My life.
My life is quite literally wasting away. I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm just ignoring the fact i'm getting older and fooling myself into believing my life is fine. Don't get me wrong, i'm happy but my life could be a lot different. A lot easier too. I know what i want to do, it's just no one is willing to give me a chance, take a risk on me. It's not always about what you know or how you answer questions. I just need a chance so i can prove myself to everyone. I don't want to be known as a fuck up. I don't want to known as a failure. I want to make something out of myself. I want to make my mum proud of me. I want to make my friends realise i'm not a bum who blogs all the time. I want to make my friends realise I can do anything with my life. If it's in this country or another one who knows?
The one thing that annoys me the most is the older one. If I choose to do the things she did with her life, i would be completely disowned. Just because she has more confidence, more gift of the gab and the ability to lie to her loved ones doesn't mean that we should be treated different. If I was going down the same path she did, i honestly do not know where i would be now. I know I wouldn't be in my house, sitting on my chair, typing on my laptop. I wouldn't want the life she has. Not even one bit. Not at all. Ever. She may have more confidence but i have more sense. I have goals and dreams in my life. I'm guessing she just hopes to make it through another week. Now that does sound real bitchy but at the end of the day it's true. Everyone knows how much she annoys me. Not many people annoy me but she really does. Can take 10 minutes in a room for her to annoy me. And she says I have an attitude problem? Hello, wake up and smell reality honey.


Love.